Become a Rock/Jazz Guitar Legend with This Cool New Startup

You don’t need a fancy guitar to sound like Jimmy Page.

Photo by Zachary Smith on Unsplash: I don’t photograph rockers… heh.

I know that you, like me, would love to be a killer guitar player. Shred like Satriani, groove like Wes Montgomery, and make the skies weep like Carlos Santana. We all would.

But we also know that takes a lot of work and commitment, and there are so damned many good shows on Netflix.

But still, we have that nagging desire to do something else than the very little we are already doing. Sorta.

And now we can.

Imagine seeing your face on the cover of Rolling Stone, Guitar Magazine, and Guitar World.

Imagine being interviewed by Jimmy Fallon, Jon Stewart, and the New York Times.

Imagine playing to sold-out arena audiences with your rock band, and selling out the New York Metropolitan with your jazz trio.

From London to Capetown, Tokyo to Los Angeles, you can be the face of guitar’s most influential player.

Perhaps this sort of fame is actually your destiny.

No matter who you are.

In the past, guitar players had to practice over and over again. They would fight through the bleeding fingers and the hands that hurt from stretching through even simple solos. And holding that pick… GAAA! That would cause cramping and shit.

Hours, days, weeks, months, years… decades of practice.

And the listening and refining took forever.

From “Louie Louie” to “Classical Gas” to “Europa” guitar players would work, refine, work some more, refine a ton more, work… aw fuck, you get the idea.

PRACTICE.

CREATE.

PRACTICE SOME MORE.

And the practice was often boring. Remember how much that kid hated playing classical music until he had to defeat the devil’s guitar shredder from hell and win his soul back? Huh?

Well, turns out all that practice paid off and he got to leave soulful and happy. But it made the devil’s guitar player have the sadz so that makes it a bit — umm — problematic?

Today he would simply have won it straight up. Because there is no better guitar player on the planet than you, right now.

You.

Just.

Don’t.

Know.

It.

You haven’t tried. You haven’t gotten a guitar and learned to make chords and lines and what harmony is and how to play improvisations through a litany of changes coming at you fast. Almost faster than you can think.

And whether it is because you are not committed to learning to play the guitar, too lazy to try, or filled with the false knowledge that you aren’t musical, stop despairing and read on.

This is 2023, baby. Everything has changed.

Practicing: bullshit.
Learning music: bullshit.
Spending time listening to other guitar players: bullshit.

Those days are over.

Now everyone and anyone can be the best ever with absolutely no effort or bleeding fingers. Ick.

A new startup, StringyThingy, will be putting the kybosh on all that useless crap that stood in the talentless, uncommitted, and lazyass musician’s way.

StringyThingy has developed a new AI tool that will allow anyone on the planet to play any song as well as any player that went through all the bullshit to learn their craft.

Plug the device into an amplifier and connect it to your guitar by Bluetooth. This is all for show, of course, you can’t play the damn thing so why make any attempt at all?

This incredible music-making technology will then take over.

And no matter what tune the band is playing, you are rocking the best guitar licks ever heard… because we got them all at your fingertips.

They have input every single piece of music ever created and made it available to you to help be your best guitar-slingin’ best.

StringThingy’s brilliant approach makes making music as easy as taking a drink… without the risk of choking on an ice cube, dying horribly on the vomit-covered floor of a motel bar, and being forgotten by everyone — even your kids.

StringThingy takes the music of all the musicians that have ever recorded something and now allows you to tap that genius, combining all of their work to make something new, something all yours.

You fucking deserve it!

Some people complain that that doesn’t sound right. You know, taking other people’s work and making it your own.

“We at StringThing want to know we have put a lot of thought into the moral and ethical questions that surround the wholescale scraping of copyrighted and personally created music into our system,” StringThingy’s CEO recently stated while getting a steam massage from his 16,000 square foot apartment in Barbados where the company is headquartered.

“We know a lot of people have legitimate concerns and we want them to know that we are aware of those concerns but really don’t give a fuck because people like Seth Godin say that “ideas are free”, so we took that free shit and now we are making bank!”

“Become the best player you can ever be without knowing a thing about what you are doing.” he shouted above the din of a heavy metal band from Pakistan that he had brought over to play for an hour at his massage, “you deserve it.”

Version 1.8 has been announced and it will be the best thing on the market for so-called hacks and the talentless to be recognized as the incredibly talented geniuses that they are.

With improved “Chord Predictability” and “Instant Song Recognition” the AI will know whatever song is being played and choose the right notes, chords, and progressions based on the best practices of the schlubs that came before and did all that icky practicing and learning stuff. The new version also includes the unique sounds and tunings of all the previous, and no longer relevant, players of our time.

You choose the sound of whatever guitar player you love, and the sound that pours from that ten-foot Marshall stack is dead on. Have fun and mix a little Joe Pass in with some Slash. Your every pore just exudes creativity as the fans go nuts in the arena making TikTok videos of themselves twerking to this illustrious and incomparable rock experience.

Now, mindblowing guitar solos will, at last, be available to the rhythm guitar players, as well as, you know, the drummer, bass player, ticket agent, limo driver (and you are gonna meet a ton of limo drivers you rock genius), and concession workers.

So put that guitar pick away and go shopping for rock star clothes, you multi-talented musical genius.

The world is awaiting your gift to be unleashed.

And it only costs $24.95 per month.

Sign up today, put together the rock band of your dreams tomorrow.

And make millions and millions of dollars from your adoring fans.

You Deserve It.

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I am a photographer, designer, and photo editor. You can find me at my self-named website or at Project 52 Pro System (enrollment begins January 6, 2023) where I teach commercial photography online. This is our tenth year of teaching, and it is the most unique online class you will find anywhere.

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