When You Realize "I Can't" Really Means "I Won't" You Will Have Some Splainin' To Do
The choice of which to use fall squarely on you. Say what you mean instead of hiding behind linguistic games.
Welcome everyone.
It’s Sunday again.
“In The Frame” is my weekly newsletter of ideas, concepts, and photographs that I am thinking about. It is nice to see how many of you are thinking about them as well. I try to keep this venue clear of overt selling and constant marketing hidden inside of innocuous articles. If there is a subject that you would like me to think about and respond to or if you have a question, let me know.
Ever noticed that words have a way of hiding their true intentions?
Take the seemingly innocent statement "I can't" as an example. It often hides a more deliberate and potentially harmful statement: "I won't."
It is important to understand this simple linguistic twist because it reveals the speaker's true intent.
And it gives us a roadmap for becoming more determined, deliberate, and powerful with our language and our intentions.
Consider the scenario of an aspiring photographer who gazes longingly at the works of their favorite shooters while uttering, “I can’t take photos like that.”
At first glance, this appears as a lament of limitation, a surrender to an insurmountable barrier. A deep understanding that something is keeping them from the very excellence they strive for.
However, upon closer examination, it reveals a much different story.
And that is where the rubber meets the road, as my good friend Bob likes to say. Bob rides a very sweet Indian Scout with over 80,000 miles of hard-won roadwork under his belt, so knowing rubber and road is something we do not argue about with Bob.
You see, hidden within these seemingly innocuous words lies a far more insidious declaration—the silent “I won’t”.
“I won’t invest the time to learn.”.
“I won’t face the discomfort of growth.”
”I will use the falsehood “can’t” to cover my inaction.”
Does anyone say falsehood anymore? Or have we decided to simply accept it as the major default for anything we read on Facebook?
Just wonderin’.
However, the moment you realize “I can’t” is usually a creepy avatar for “I won’t”, you can begin to make the choice of which to use… and that will bring a bit of clarity to your words, as uncomfortable as that may be.
The soft “I can’t” becomes the much harsher and more self-focused “I won’t.”
If you can’t, that means that something or someone outside yourself has control. An infliction, oppressor, or unfortunate circumstance is preventing you from taking the action you want.
I can’t.
Something is stopping me. And I really have no control over it.
I am unable to perform what is asked because of this outside challenge. There’s something unsaid that is preventing my excellence from shining through.
Usually, the more realistic and true term for that is “I’m bullshitting myself.”
I work with photographers, and far too often I hear those terrible two words.
I say they are terrible because I know that what they are saying they can’t do is well within their power to do. And do well.
It’s a statement filled with defeat that often masks the real culprits: fear, rejection, and criticism.
“I can’t enter my work in juried shows”, may mean “I won’t subject myself to being criticized and mocked by strangers who may actually have, you know, a point or two that could help me become better and stuff…”
“I can’t do cold calling; I just can’t”, could mean, “I am so uncomfortable calling people that I will sacrifice my business and future because I won’t learn how to do it or simply how to get over the largely irrational fear of calling someone on the phone and… oh, it’s too awful to think about…”
(“Grandma, you were such a great photographer! Did you sell a lot of photographs to people who love them?”
“No child, I was far too afraid of phone calls that I chose to live my creative life in oblivion and exile while working at the phone company making collection calls to get money from poor people”.)
Perhaps it’s not a lack of ability but a reluctance to embrace uncertainty or to step out of the comfort zone.
Saying “I can’t” is certainly easier than saying “I won't.”.
One requires but a modicum of explanation; the other is far more self-exposing and confrontational.
“I can’t come to your opening, Bob.”
Versus:
“I won’t come to your opening, Bob.”
The same result, right?
But it is far different in how we frame it.
Which one will inspire Bob to invite you over for a cold one?
The transformation of “I can’t” into “I won’t” is not a linguistic trick.
It forces us to confront our hidden fears, our unspoken choices, and the power we hold over our destiny.
We must acknowledge that while external barriers exist, our most significant limitations often spring from within.
But there is a benefit to this exploration of the subtle destructiveness of our own words, and that is the empowerment of positive words.
“I can’t” has a counterphrase: “I can.”
“I won’t” has one too: “I will.”
And you can choose to use either.
For instance, “I can’t find the time to photograph” could become “I can find the time to photograph more work for my portfolio.”
“I can’t figure this stupid program out” becomes “I can check YouTube for some good tutorials to learn what I need to.”
“I won’t make cold calls” could become “I can and will make three cold calls today, and then have a Margarita or two to calm down.”
OK, you don’t have to self-medicate; you just have to make the damn calls.
But what about real obstacles that would stop you from doing that thing you say you can’t do?
Yes. They exist. They do.
Perhaps your friend says, “Let’s go to France and bum around for a month.”
That sounds super good, but you are barely making it financially and have no savings to afford this amazing trip.
Instead of saying, “I can't,” say, "Financially, I am unable to do this. I will plan to be in a better place in the fall.”
Acknowledging the financial challenge is true, and it opens us up to viable fixes. Work more overtime, take on a side gig, or land a sweet gig for a client.
This acknowledges the real source of the problem and not just a casual “I can't,” which offers no opportunity for change. It also opens your mind to what you may be willing to do to fix it.
And here’s the bottom line, ya’ll.
Rubber meets road time.
One of these phrases can move you forward, while the other will keep you mired in bullshit that isn’t true. Stuck in the fear of those imaginary outside oppressors that you lean on to justify not doing what the hell you want to do.
A few are real.
Most are imaginary tools to keep us safe from being a bit uncomfortable.
Being comfortable is highly overrated.
Few artists who were comfortable made anything worthwhile. We need to be confrontational with the idea of prolonged comfort and do things to challenge our own, personal status quo.
Today, Bob is riding up in Utah. In the snow. With temperatures so low, I cannot even imagine. While he is certainly prepared for what he is doing, I am sure there are levels of discomfort to be had on this trip.
But he will also see things that most of us won’t, experience things that most of us won’t, and be enriched by the experience, having a killer story to tell about the whole freezing adventure thing.
I rarely hear Bob tell me he can’t do something.
I’m going to work harder to be more like Bob.
Although I will stick to milder temperatures on my long bike rides.
Maybe.
Something cool you may like:
A new homepage extension for Chrome that delivers a big, juicy selection of great design, photography, and art with every new tab you open. I am very happy with this curated feed of excellence in our fields.
Need some inspiration for your blog?
You do have a blog, right?
Check out this list of 101 things you can write about in nearly any genre. At one post per week, that is a lot of inspiration.
Client Acquisition Sprint for Serious Photographers
If you missed the free webinar we did last Thursday, here is a link to the workshop page with the replay at the top. Let me know if you have questions or comments.
See ya’ll next time.
When you are ready, here is how I can help you succeed.
Group Mentorship: a small group of photographers who meet to show images, work on their portfolio, and build their businesses with help from a wonderful group. Lifetime membership for one fee.
One-on-one Mentorship: You and me - working together in an intense 6-month push to get you on the way to over $30K in additional revenue. The work we lay down will help you increase and scale your business for years ahead.
The Creative Class: Expand your toolset and become a one-person visual agency capable of pulling in steady and repeated income. If you have questions, let me know, and I will answer them as fast as possible.
Discount codes for In the Framers:
Cohort Discount $197: $1000 | A23CD7E72E
Creator Discount: $100: $197 | 2BA98E4053
In some cases, a particularly stubborn "I can't" could be followed up with a kind "yet."